I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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