So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
