you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
