We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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