whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
