I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
