I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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