The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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