There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize