Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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