I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize