Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
