3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
