Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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