i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
