I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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