Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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