Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
