I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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