he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i need some magic done to my vagina
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
