I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
