dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize