i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
