i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize