Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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