how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
