you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
