Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
