i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
