So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We left the knife in your bed.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
