Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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