Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize