I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
