u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
