I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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