So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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