Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
