So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
