smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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