Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You ruined the universe
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
