happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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