why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i will never coherently bang her
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
