So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
