I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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