Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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