Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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