just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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