i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
