i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
