i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
