eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just gargled with NyQuil
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
