Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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