So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
