My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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