Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
