I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
