my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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