I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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