Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
