I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
