Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
