I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
