half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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