I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
