ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
