Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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