third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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