Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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